Alrighty, time for a little disclosure. I am in Washington state where marijuana is legal and I am not a ‘druggie.’ I want to share with you how to use marijuana as a smokeless alternative for pain management.

Before I talk about how I used marijuana cream, not smoke, let me share with you what I tried using to manage pain: almost everything… and then I will tell you about using THC infused marijuana lotion.

White Rabbit – Jefferson Airplane

One Pill Doesn’t Cut It – I have tried various vitamins and ‘nutritional supplements’ such as glucosamine, chondroiten and MSM (methylsulfatemethane). I bought so many supplements I at least paid for the salesclerk’s annual salary. I did not experience any relief.

OTC Pain Medications – Options such as NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) or acetaminophen (Tylenol) will provide some pain relief. As your hip gets worse, the effectiveness of OTC medications seems to dwindle. There is a risk to taking too much Tylenol as well and while some physicians will approve high dosages of pain medications for a short period of time, it is not a good idea to overuse any medication.

Prescription Medications: Meloxicam (Mobic) and, if you enjoy constipation, you’ll love Norco.

Hooked On A Feeling – I probably had taken 10 Tylenol tablets in my entire life. Then, almost two years before my surgery (yeah, I am a slow learner) my wife and I were hiking near Lake Hodges in San Diego and upon getting back to the car I said that we were stopping at the first pharmacy or grocery store we see as I have to buy some Tylenol. My wife knew my groin pull was now something more severe because I don’t take pain pills. We bought the Tylenol and before we started the engine I had swallowed the first two tablets and soon I was hooked. After my primary care evaluation my doctor provided an orthopedic referral for me and told me I could, short term, use up to eight Tylenol tablets a day. Soon, I was consuming Tylenol tablets like a 13 year-old wolfing down Halloween scored bags of M&Ms.

“Too Much Weed, Man…” After five days I contacted my primary care physician and wrote, “When I hit seven tabs in a day, I get a, “Too much Tylenol” feeling. The sensation is reminiscent of what my college roommate said once as he laid on his bed staring at the ceiling, not moving, ‘Too much weed, man… I smoked too much weed.’ While not as dramatic, I got the feeling of ‘too much’ Tylenol and physically noticed it.” Not surprisingly my doctor told to take ‘less Tylenol’. I went down to ‘just’ five Tylenol tablets a day, and, as you might suspect, less Tylenol equals less pain relief. Maybe if the tabs had been chocolate coated cannabis sativa oil I would have fared better.

Let’s Talk (Finally) About Weed: Yeah, that kind… marijuana.

Purple Haze – Jimi Hendrix

Weed By Any Other Name – I was watching the painfully funny Ali G Show (bottom of the web page) where street-wise Ali G goes in as reporter to meet with a DEA agent about marijuana. Ali G is supposedly unsuspecting of this world and the DEA agent is painstakingly explaining to Ali G some of the phrases associated with marijuana. Ali G then asks, with his hatcheted British manner, “What is (sic) the different types of hash out there? We all know that it’s called the bionic, the bomb, the puff, the blow, the black, the herb, the sensie, the chronic, the sweet Mary Jane, ganja, split, reefa, the bad, the Buddha, the home grown, the ill, the Maui-Maui, the method, pot, lethal turbo, Thai, shake, skunk, stress, whacky, weed, glaze, the boot, dime-bag, Scooby Doo, bob, bogey, back yard boogie.” Ali G then pauses and asks, “But what is (sic) the other terms for it?”

You can watch the whole five minutes or fast-forward to 4:18 where he naively guesses all the names for marijuana.

Ali G – The various names for weed.

Or, if you prefer a softer version, Peter, Paul and Mary below.

Puff The Magic Dragon – Peter Paul And Mary

Not Like Bill – I secured (‘scored’ if you use street terminology) a medical marijuana license, but, unlike Bill Clinton, not to smoke.

“I’ve never broken a state law, but when I was in England
I experimented with marijuana a time or two,
and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale it, and never tried it again.”
Former President Bill Clinton

Reefer Gladness – I used my prescription for a cannabis-based pain lotion (yeah, that is marijuana). It is smokeless; purely topical. The topical creme containing cannabis sativa oil has been demonstrated to be effective for pain relief. Interestingly enough, when I applied the lotion directly to my hip, the pain relief was noticeable within 10 minutes and lasted hours.

Advantages of Marijuana Creme: I know a lot of people who swear by inhalation method to relieve pain. But here is how I used the evil weed. I bought THC infused pain creme. A few good things: 1) You don’t get high, 2) you don’t smell like you just came back from a college dorm room and, most importantly, 3) you get relief. I have very large muscles and bones (my implant was a size 9, the doc said it was the biggest one he ever installed). I mention that because you would think the topical creme would have a long way to travel before it could relieve my hip pain.

Hip Tip – Dope Creme: My wife does yoga and she still sometimes gets awful neck pain. She rubs what we now call ‘dope creme’ into her neck and she has relief in minutes. One more (quick) story – my 80-year-old mother has carpal tunnel and has to drink her tea with two hands. She RELUCTANTLY applied dope creme and I watched her out of the corner of my eye and in a few minutes she was staring at her hands, and moving her fingers like she was playing an imaginary piano.

She then picked up her tea cup with one hand, and had an astonished look on her face (and she wasn’t even high). I now buy her a jar of creme every three months. It may not work for you, but for my wife, my mom and my hip – success…

Hip Tip – Dope Creme Strength Varies By Manufacturer: FYI there are tons of manufacturers of dope creme so potency varies. That is a polite way of saying that the makers may have had a joint or two when making the creme. I pay about $60 for a jar that lasts me 3 months. For me, the dope creme was a very good option. If you are in a state that offers medical marijuana, or where marijuana is legal, ask for a sativa oil-infused lotion to provide pain relief.

Hip Tip – Don’t Make Your Own Dope Creme: You can watch numerous YouTube videos on how to make your own dope creme. In order to make the lotion, whole marijuana plants are immersed in a solvent like butane or alcohol to extract the active ingredient, THC. Then the solvent is evaporated leaving the pain-reducing product. The problem is that the solvent is so volatile that it easily can ignite. So, it is safer to buy the product already manufactured.

Along Comes Mary
The Association

Sweet As The Punch – Note that the lotion induced no Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds hallucinations, did not make me want to sing along to Brewer & Shipley’s One Toke Over The Line, did not have me humming along to Rick James’ Mary Jane, did not create an excess (higher than already exists) desire for chocolate brownie ice cream, did not cause any loss of daily functioning skills, did not make me want to search for the ‘number’ in Rikki, Don’t Lose That Number nor make my mother-in-law funny, or even more tolerable.