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Hip Replacement Surgery Tip #139: Rehab Pain Is Good (Except For The ‘Abba Syndrome’)

Two (Well, One) Scientific Studies About Swimming

I will share information about a scientific study that demonstrates multiple benefits derived from swimming.

As a bonus, just for you… I will also share, a not yet published scientific study that demonstrates the lack of benefits derived from swimming while Abba* music is playing, aka the ‘Abba Syndrome’. I wonder Why Did It Have To Be Me that discovered this pain inflicting, debilitating, stomach churning, eyes-rolled-backwards, cursed ‘Abba Syndrome’.  All I can say at this point is Watch Out.

*Yes, yes, yes, to all of you thousands of Abba fans who have emailed me, I know it isn’t Abba, but ABBA, but I can’t bring myself to waste the time using caps. By the way, if you keep sending me those, “Hey you moron, it is ABBA, not Abba,” messages I will change their name to abba, or if you keep it up, I will change their name to #worstgroupever on this page 🙂

And thanks for sending me photos from your ABBAration event.

Let’s Start Off With The Good Scientific News About Swimming – Warm Water Immersion Boosts Brain’s Blood (Hmm, maybe that is why, when I was at camp, we would immerse a fellow camper’s hand into warm water and wait to see what happens…)

For many, swimming is not only a physical exercise, it is a meditative exercise. A study on the benefits of swimming by Dr. Howard Carter of the University of Western Australia, School of Sport Science, found that while the participants were immersed in water, blood flow to their middle cerebral arteries increased by 14 percent while blood flow to their posterior cerebral arteries increased by nine percent. As a bonus, brain function improves via the process known as hippocampal neurogenesis. This is where your brain replaces lost cells resulting from stress.

There have even been scientific studies, ““We found that brain blood flow is higher when subjects were immersed in water up to the level of the heart compared to on land — laying the groundwork for further investigation of its effects on cerebrovascular health,” said Dr. Howard Carter in The American Journal of Physiology. This report is also found on the NIH website.

When you hit the water, your mood is lifted immediately from the coolness of the water, leaving you free from tiredness and depression

Prehab And Rehab Swimming For Hip Replacement Patients

Swimming is a great workout, especially for post hip replacement surgery. It also provides a benefit for your prehab program, essentially making your hip stronger before your surgery, which will reduce your recovery time during rehab.

pool-aerobics2

Now For The Bad News About Swimming (Near Aerobic Workout Groups) – The ‘Abba Syndrome’

The ‘Abba Syndrome’ is most often diagnosed by observing Caucasians, of both sexes but mostly male, post 50-year old and seriously void of any innate rhythm trying to dance, gracefully move, feign an understanding of motion, quiver cluelessly, (see the synchronized, Swedish, Abba, dance, soccer team rendition below. Warning – if you find it compelling you to may have ‘Abba Syndrome.’)

stingray-haka

in amoebic-manner, to any song by Abba.

amoeba

Why Sing When You Can Mumble? Another demonstrable indicator of the dreaded ‘Abba Syndrome’ is those inflicted will spontaneously think it is socially acceptable to be able to sing the chorus, quite loudly shouting, and extremely out of key, to most Abba songs, but they will not know any other line of the lyrics as they fake mumble the words beyond the chorus.

yelling

Abba Is She-God! Of course, the above, delusional woman just read my post and sent this graphic to me saying screaming, “I love Abba! Why don’t you, you **#** moron? Abba is the she-God!!”

My Last Vestiges Of Masculinity: I cringe, I cry, I retreat, I curl into a fetal ball of placid mushiness, totally void of my last shred of masculinity, as I am sonically bombarded by the unrequested Abba serenade.

fetal

My mother-in-law, upon reviewing this page, said, stated, sneered, and, with contempt oozing from her shrill (she makes Hillary sound like Streisand) voice injected her perspective, “You are such a waif. And, I wasn’t even aware that you previously had even a ‘shred of masculinity,’ ever.”

On A Brighter (High) Note: Abba songs make me workout even harder. I want the sounds of me grunting, huffing, puffing, moaning (and complaining) to be louder than any of their lyrics:

Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again? 
My my, just how much I’ve missed you

I now also fight the dreaded ‘Abba Syndrome’ by wearing waterproof iPod Shuffle headphones so I can listen to what I want to listen to… You know, just all the really, really good classics.

Tip-Toe Thru’ The Tulips With Me – Tiny Tim
If you are old enough to need a hip replacement, you are old enough to know this song

She Bangs – William Hung
I learned how to dance from this video

In My Country There Is Problem – Borat
Whose eyes don’t swell up with pride when you hear a national anthem so articulately sung

Bohemian Rhapsody – William Shatner
To boldly go where no singer has gone before

Baby – Justin Bieber
It used to be, “Hey, hey I am a believer,” but now it is “Hey, hey I am a Belieber”

waterproof-ipod

“I like beautiful melodies telling me terrible things.”
Tom Waits

Had I Met My Waterloo?: I go to my local pool and do a self-administered regimen adjacent to the water aerobics class. Typically there are 20-30 Dancing Queens in the pool. The class plays music to make their workout more enjoyable. Oh, Mamma Mia, that playlist includes such classics as, Spirit In The SkyThe Piano Man, Bye, Bye American Pie and then, for piece de resistance any of the million wretched songs by Abba. But, as a bonus, not just one Abba song. Not just two Abba songs. Not just tree Abba songs.

The Winner Takes It All: But, but, four Abba songs. I feel like I have to send out an SOS after class. Now, Knowing Me, Knowing You, I can tell that you agree that the ‘Abba Syndrome’ can dramatically impair your road to recovery. Avoid Abba songs at all costs, go to Another Town, (take) Another Train, while the music seems to just play On And On And On.

abbahate

I must be gainin’… No pain, no gain. Lotsa’ pain from Abba…

How Do I Feel In The Pool When Listening To Abba?

pool-aerobics

As is my want, I complained to the lifeguards about too much Abba.  They asked me how I feel when Abba music plays. “It feels like there are just eight people in the water, it feels like there are  1,000 electricfied eel piranhas in the pool and I am lunch…”

piranha

Above, how it feels listening to Abba on a good day.

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.”
Bob Marley

OhMiGawd – My Wife Is A Closet Abba Fan: Well, my wife just read this post, rolled her eyes, felt sorry for the aerobics people and pool staff and then said, with a hard to believe straight face, “I like Abba. Abba is very motivational.” To which I replied, “Why yes, Abba is very motivational. They motivate me to consider suicide.”

Did I Find Motivation In Abba And Not Even Know It? Of course, when I find want extra workout motivation and have the need to really torture myself, I search the auditions from Madagascar Idol and Kazakhstan Idol to find any Abba song they butchered and play it backward, at half speed. As a bonus, I get to find out if Paul McCartney was really killed in a car crash.

OhMiGawd (II) – My Wife And I Both Have ‘Abba Syndrome’ After a deep, introspective, self-diagnosis, I think I may have… umm… err… ugh… ‘Abba Syndrome.’

What Is In It For You? It may be too late to save my wife, and to save me, but hopefully, this article can save you from the dreaded ‘Abba Syndrome.’

Do What I Do, I Let The Music Speak… (over and over)

You can tell that I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do really hate Abba music. As a public health and safety service, I am listing all the songs to avoid during your hip replacement surgery rehab:

1 Album “Ring Ring” (1973)
Another Town, Another Train
Disillusion
He Is Your Brother
I Am Just A Girl
I Saw It In The Mirror
Love Isn’t Easy (But It Sure Is Hard Enough)
Me and Bobby and Bobby’s Brother
Nina, Pretty Ballerina
People Need Love
Ring Ring
Ring Ring (Bara du slog en signal)
Rock & Roll Band
2 Album “Waterloo” (1974)
Waterloo
Sitting In The Palmtree
King Kong Song
Hasta Mañana
My Mama Said
Dance (While The Music Still Goes On)
Honey Honey
Watch Out
What About Livingstone
Gonna Sing You My Lovesong
Suzy-Hang-Around
Waterloo
3 Album “ABBA” (1975)
Mamma Mia
Hey, Hey Helen
Tropical Loveland
SOS
Man in the Middle
Bang-A-Boomerang
I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do
Rock Me
Intermezzo No. 1 (Instrumental)
I’ve Been Waiting for You
So Long
4 Album “Arrival” (1977)
When I Kissed The Teacher
Dancing Queen Lyrics
My Love, My Life
Dum Dum Diddle
Knowing Me, Knowing You
Money, Money, Money
That’s Me
Why Did It Have To Be Me
Tiger
Arrival
5 Album “Voulez-Vous” (1979)
As Good As New
Voulez-Vous
I Have A Dream
Angeleyes
The King Has Lost His Crown
Does Your Mother Know
If It Wasn’t for the Nights
Chiquitita
Lovers (Live A Little Longer)
Kisses Of Fire
6 Album “Super Trouper” (1980)
Super Trouper
The Winner Takes It All
On And On And On
Andante, Andante
Me And I
Happy New Year
Our Last Summer
The Piper
Lay All Your Love On Me
The Way Old Friends Do
7 Album “The Visitors” (1981)
The Visitors
Head Over Heels
When all is said and done
Soldiers
I Let The Music Speak
One Of Us
Two For The Price Of One
Slipping Through My Fingers
Like An Angel Passing Through My Room